Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Starting Over.

It has been a long while since I've posted anything. I kept telling myself once I got my blog redone, or once I did this or that, I'd start blogging again. I even decided to not have two separate blogs anymore so I stopped book blogging and planned on just doing it all right here.
That obviously never happened. So often ideas pop into my head about what I could write or how to start up my blog again but when I actually sat down to write every idea seemed so...blah. My list of books read each year keeps getting smaller and smaller and I don't live any special kind of life that anyone would really want to read about.
But it really came down to that I just missed writing sooo I'm just going to write about whatever.

So of that whatever will include:

In the very near future I'm going to start redesigning and repurposing things. I love going junking and I always see things to buy and have ideas of what could be done with them but never actually buy them since my space is limited. Then I had the lightbulb moment of why does it always have to be for me? Why not buy, redesign, and then sell so someone else can enjoy it? It's going to be so much fun! I'll post before and afters, how to's, tips & tricks...and mess ups, because I know there will be lots of those.

Once I finally get back into reading on a more regular basis I'll start posting reviews again...or book talk. I don't know if I really want to call them reviews anymore.

Also, I've been sick lately. And by lately, I mean the last 2 and a half months. At this point I'm not really sure you can say "sick" though. It's not realllllly sick. I've felt...unwell? Basically the gist of it is that at the beginning of February I went to the ER because my throat was swelling and I couldn't breath properly. The doctor there told me I had "viral pharyngitis" which is a fancy name for "sore throat". Sounds simple, right? No. It wasn't a normal sore throat. Instead of being sore I had swelling which it couldn't be predicted how bad the swelling could get. She said since it was viral there was no medications for it so I'd have to "wait it out", but it shouldn't last more than 10 days. 10 days turned into 2 weeks, turned into a month. It was awful. It's really scary not knowing when you're throat is going to swell and how much. Will it be a little or will it cut off my breathing this time?
So I finally went to see a PCP, but he too told me I'd have to wait it out, but everything else was fine so he wasn't worried. I was back in his office 3 days later because I wasn't able to breath. At that point he determined I had an URI (upper respiratory infection) so here, take these antibiotics and steroids and hit this inhaler every now and again and you'll be fine. Fast forward to now (I say fast forward it's because that was a month ago)...I still have swelling, I'm still having trouble breathing.
I thought about going back to my PCP for more testing (I have anxiety and basically it was telling me that I was dying and I should save everyone the time and just go bury myself in the back yard), I decided to go see an allergist/immunologist to see if he had any ideas.
He did.
After talking to me and doing some testing we narrowed down things that I am allergic to and how to possibly help the swelling in my throat. The shortness of breath he is attributing to seasonal asthma and we'll work on fixing that. As of this moment, he put me on new allergy pills better tailored to my unique set of allergies and steroids to help my throat and when I go back to see him (as long as this throat swelly, shortness of breath thing has passed) we'll start on allergy shots.
Relief is hardly the word for it. Even if it turns out to be something different and he needs to give me different treatment, I'll be okay with it. At least we're working in the right direction to get my body better without a bunch of invasive tests or trial and error "well it could be this so take this medicine or it could be this so we'll jack you up with this medicine until we find something that works".

Now I tell you all of that to follow it up with this. I had a lot of anxiety breakdowns over the last 2 months. It has really been a test to my mental health to know that something is very wrong with my body but have several medical professionals brush it off like no big deal. It got harder and harder each time I went to see someone and have them tell me "it'll go away soon, just wait it out". It usually ended with me coming home in tears because I knew something was not right, I know my body, and these people weren't listening.
I'd like to take this moment to shout out Momma and Papa Clark for never doubting me or telling me to get over it. Momma Clark has been taking me to all my appointments, not bothering me on days I can't even get out of bed, making sure I have everything I need, and Papa Clark pretty much told me to keep looking until I found someone that listened.
During all of that though, I have most definitely come to realize I have used and abused my body. I have put stupid toxic things into it and risked wasting the beautiful life I've been given. But on top of not fueling it properly, I expect it to perform above and beyond at the gym or when I'm outdoors hiking or rockclimbing and such. How can I expect so much from my flesh if I keep treating it the way I have been?
So, one of my main focuses will be creating a new healthy lifestyle for myself. And I mean lifestyle. It will not be a fad diet that I jump on for a couple weeks and when I feel better, just stop. No. Lifestyle. All encompassing. What I put into my body, what is around my body, how I use my body...but also mind and spirituality. I believe all are connected and you need all to be healthy to be balanced.
A big part of this blog will be working on my anxiety, my relationship with God, and treating my physical being better.

All in all I am excited for these next couple of months, but I also know there is going to be a lot of bumps along the way with getting my body to a healthy place again. I refuse to just sink into the depression I was on the verge of. It would have been so easy to just let go and drop everything. I couldn't really do anything anyway because of how I felt and how tired I was, so what did it matter anyway? I hardly have gotten out, I've hardly seen my friends, I can't barely make it to church, and work is so difficult...what did it matter?
But no, I'm not going to just give up that easily. Even if allergies and immunology isn't what fixes it, I'll just keep making appointments until someone somewhere finds out what's wrong. This blog will be a good thing, to keep me accountable to keep pushing forward, to keep living, and to keep striving to leave good in this world.

So here we go.
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